the five stages of hosting at your home
Denial
You want to invite people over. You want to curate connections with the people in your life. You want to host lovely parties, everyday dinners, and everything in between. You want to have a welcoming home where people feel free to drop by at a moment’s notice, knowing they will be received with open arms and invited to stay awhile and rest.
You know that the potential is there. You can envision yourself pouring sparkling juice into the glass of someone who just shared their big news with you. You see the bowls you would set out filled with candy for guests. You imagine heart-to-heart conversation over a cup of tea, seated at your kitchen table. You dream of your friends filling up the space with laughter and stories.
But you feel stuck.
You think I couldn’t possible pull something like this off. You feel nervous as you think of how awful it would be to have someone turn down your invitation. How embarrassing! You feel like too much of a rookie to even consider hosting anyone at your home. You don’t have the money, resources, or skills to do something like this.
This denial incapacitates you. You tell yourself that you simply cannot do it because you don’t have what it takes. Your home is too messy, too poorly decorated, or your cooking skills are too subpar. In this stage, you don’t host because you don’t believe that you can host anything worth attending.
Anger
This belief in your inability to host friends and formulate connections gradually morphs into something else entirely.
You are annoyed with yourself. You’re annoyed because as much as you want to host, you feel an equal sense of inability. And then you start to wonder if you have the full picture.
It might be a slow-burning anger. It might not even feel like anger at all. Sometimes this stage of dawning realization comes from attending a dinner party hosted by someone else and realizing that you could do that, too. It’s actually not impossible! You have what it takes!
You feel angry with yourself for these untrue notions you had adhered to for so long—why can’t you host?! You begin to ask yourself. You feel angry that you’ve been captivated by a lie. You realize that you’ve missed out on opportunities to encourage and bless others because of your ego. You recognize that fear is stealing so much from you. This adds fuel to a fire that won’t stop burning because you start to want to host more than you fear it.
Bargaining
Yup, not having enough money is a real problem. But you’ve realized that this can be circumnavigated if you’re really serious about hosting. Things don’t have to be fancy to be good. Your goal in hosting isn’t to impress people with elegance and refinement. Your goal is to make them feel loved, seen, and encouraged. You’ve heard the Shauna Niequist quotes on hospitality:
“Hospitality is giving people a place to be when they would otherwise be alone.”
and,
“Hospitality is when someone leaves your home feeling better about themselves, not better about you.”
So you know that it’s more about the conversation than the canapés, more about the presence than the presentation, and more about the welcome than the windows being clean.
With these thoughts in mind, you head to the grocery store to buy ingredients for a giant pot of chili. It’s inexpensive. It’s warm. It’s comforting. And it’s easy, which will give you more time to focus on your guests.
You don’t have enough plates, so you head to a thrift store to stock up. It’s okay that they don’t match—nobody will be nitpicking about the dishware when you’re giving them a tangible experience of what love is like.
You also start to bargain with yourself. It’s okay that the floors aren’t freshly washed. It’s okay that the bed is unmade. It’s okay that there are dishes in the sink. Things you once would have hidden away and tried to perfect are now acceptable because the point isn’t the presentation—it’s the presence.
Acceptance
You’ve done it! You’ve overcome your denial, anger, and fear. You realize that inviting people over and connecting with them is one of the most important works you will ever do. You’ve settled on a menu. You’ve gathered all the necessary ingredients and dishware. You’ve sent the invitation. And now you wait, agonizing, for the RSVP.
The response comes in: “Yes, of course I want to come over for dinner!” That acceptance sends spirals of joy up and down your body. You’re actually, finally, doing this.
After the acceptance, you’ll likely return to the denial stage (is this really happening!? Can I actually do this?!), your anger may become overwhelm (there’s so much to do and so little time!), and your palms may start sweating just a little bit.
Remember, these stages aren’t always linear. However, you’ve gotten through them before and you’ll do it again. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you can do this. The pressure is low. You’ve picked an easy recipe you love. You have some candles for the occasion. You have the perfect background music playlist. Most of all, you love your guest dearly, and that is the most important thing you want to communicate with the time you spend together.
Expression
(yes, I know it’s depression, but I seriously couldn’t figure out a good way to fit this into the article, so…)
The way you host does not have to look like a Pinterest board. It does not have to be swoon-worthy, or even picturesque. The way you host may change depending on your guest. But here’s the thing: it’s okay to order a pizza and just hang out with your people. It’s okay to make a huge pot of chili and have a Netflix & Chili party with your friends. It’s okay to hang up banners and use fine linens and fancy glassware. However you want to host, do it! It can be refined or restful. Casual or cultured. I can’t overstate this: the presentation is the least important part. The presence, the connection, the people, that’s the good stuff.
It’s definitely nice to have a fancier experience every once in a while. But if you’re feeling trapped by that conception of hosting, simplify it. Invite someone over and heat up some leftovers. Share a cup of tea together. You don’t have to be a gourmand or a connoisseur to give people a good time.
We’re all craving a little more connection these days. Why not cultivate it yourself by working through these five stages and welcoming friends and family into your home? You can do it. You can.
It. Is. So. Worth. It.
