joy is real, too
Have you had an interaction like this before? You’re peacefully minding your own business when someone approaches you and asks the terrifying question:
“How are you doing? No, no, I mean how are you really doing?”
This is a tricky question to answer because things are rarely black-and-white. Sound familiar?
Here’s something I wrestle with: I want to be genuine at all times. I want to be real, for those around me to see sincerity and truth in my actions. I’m sure you do, too.
However, in my efforts to be genuine, I have somehow discarded the good things as the real deal, instead focusing on pain and suffering as “true” vulnerability and authenticity. I think it’s also easy to slip into this mindset because fixating on negative things comes so naturally.
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On Tuesdays, Lars and I help lead a youth group. We usually end up being rather pressed for time because we have under an hour to organize ourselves, make dinner, and travel to the hall. One particular Tuesday was even more hectic because Lars had to pick up supplies on his way home from work, leaving only 10 minutes to scramble everything together.
One of my tendencies is getting stressed out fairly easily, and I hate being late. Oh, and rushing causes my stress levels to spike. Feeling pressed for time leaves me with an elevated heart rate and unsettled spirit, and this Tuesday was just so.
So there I was, running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to grab everything we needed, put the finishing touches on dinner, and fill our water bottles. Lars arrived home about ten minutes before we needed to leave. To say I felt stressed was an understatement. I could feel tension up and down my body and unsettledness in my spirit.
As we carted our supplies to the car and started on the road, Lars asked me how my day was. I faltered. Up until this point, my day had been great. I had a productive morning at work, I’d written some letters, tidied up the house and made a delicious dinner. Up until this point, I’d had a good attitude. However, the words about to pop out of my mouth were, “I had a bad day.”
And while there certainly had been bad moments, to label the whole day as such would be a complete misnomer. In reality, the ten minutes between Lars getting home and setting out to go to youth were the hardest moments of the whole day. Such a small percentage of my day was difficult that it really wouldn’t be accurate or fair to dismiss my whole day as bad. So what would be the genuine response in this situation?
“My day was mostly good,” I reported, feeling my heart rate slow even as the car accelerated. “But I did have a hard time with the rushing.”
Cue the sigh of relief. My day wasn’t a wash just because I’d had a bad attitude for a few minutes. Deep breath in, deep breath out. I had an epiphany at that moment: joy is real, too. I need to acknowledge the good bits in my days, too. I need to recognize the nuance in my day-to-day and be willing to admit that maybe my poor perspective doesn’t need to define my outlook.
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A while ago, I watched a video where a man asked a pointed question: “Did you have a bad day, or did you have a bad five minutes that you milked all day?”
OHHHH.
I am quick to slip into despair. If something goes awry, deviating from my carefully constructed plans, I feel like a failure. If we’re running late to youth, it can set the tone for all interactions that night. When something hard happens, be it small or large, it’s like I’ve swallowed a massive spoonful of self-focus and it blinds me to everything else.
How often do you and I do this? We surmise that because parts of our day were bad or hard, the whole thing was bad or hard. Or, because part of our life is bad or hurtful, that means our whole life is difficult, when in truth, there are moments of bad and moments of good, often simultaneously.
We’ve all heard it before: you’re greeting someone and they ask how you’re doing. You say, “I’m fine,” or “I’m well,” or “I’m okay.” Maybe it’s true, maybe it isn’t. And then they follow it up with, “No, how are you really doing?”
But here’s the thing—you can’t demand someone tell you “more” truth about their day or life, because you don’t really know how they’re feeling! You can create space for them to be real and vulnerable to share what’s hard (and what’s good!), but when it comes down to it, they have to open up of their own accord. You have to be willing to open up of your own accord, too. All you can say is, “Really? tell me more!” and provide an environment where a friend can be real.
And a quick thought about authenticity: good things in life are real, too. I know I have been conditioned to believe that I’m only being honest when things are hard or bad. This was particularly difficult for me when I got married, because though there are difficult spots in my life now, they are much fewer and farther between. I’m thriving, more than I ever have before. The good moments in my day—the pure joy I feel in the quotidian moments—are like nothing I’ve ever known. But at first, I felt like I was being ingenuine to share all the good, especially when several of my friends were struggling with big hard things.
Seeing the good doesn’t negate the bad. But just because the bad is real doesn’t mean there isn’t real good to be had also. Sure, sharing the hard things can feel a lot more vulnerable because it exposes our struggles, but sharing the joyful things is also real. God is magnified in the good as well as in the hard.
God has given us richly all things to enjoy. He has also given us complicated emotions that sometimes feel like a duality. Many seemingly contradictory things can be true at once. You can be the happiest you’ve ever been and feeling ambitious, longing for more. You can be grieving a loss and celebrating a win at the same time. Emotions don’t follow a set, linear pattern, and life moves rather quickly.
All this to say that if you are experiencing a joyful season of life, don’t shy away from that. The joy is real, too. The joy is encouraging to others. There are so many bleak, dark things in the world we live in, so why not shine a light in the darkness with spots of joy? God is honored when we acknowledge that any good in our lives comes from Him. God is glorified when we fix our eyes on Him. God is praised when we accept our gifts from Him and share them with those around us.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is just be authentic. Share how you’re feeling. If things are hard, acknowledge that. If things are more celebratory, acknowledge that. Allow yourself to grieve and rejoice.
Joy is real, too, friend.
The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].
John 10:10, AMP
