the antidote to comparison
I don’t really know where to start with this one. Comparison is something that has dogged me for most of my life. From when I was a little girl, comparing my clothes to those of my friends, ‘til now, comparing my skills, belongings, or character with those of people around me, I just can’t seem to escape it.
Sometimes comparison feels like my default setting. It’s so easy to slip into it and to feel all sorts of conflicting emotions. Sometimes my comparison causes me to feel superior to others when I feel that I’m doing better than those I compare myself to. Sometimes my comparison causes me to isolate myself from others and feel unworthy of love and acceptance because I am not doing as well as I’d like or as well as I perceive others are doing.
I have a vivid memory from when I was younger. My family and I had arrived at church. I was wearing a brand-new dress, and I felt beautiful. I didn’t often get new clothes, and when I did, they were usually hand-me-downs. But this dress was department store new, and I was so excited. Excited, that is, until my cousin came through the church doors, wearing a much fancier dress that made mine (in my mind) look like a peasant dress. My comparison ruined my excitement at having a new dress and any joy I might have had for my cousin in her beautiful dress. Sadly, my struggle with comparison doesn’t end here.
Comparison seeps in through all the little cracks, poisoning experiences and relationships. Comparison is a thief of joy - not only robbing you of any joy you might have but also robbing your friendships of the joy you could have from celebrating each others’ wins. Comparison turns life into a competition that you will never win.
Comparison turns life into a competition that you will never win.
When I was studying for my degree, I did an economics course. Within that course, I was introduced to the concept of a zero-sum game. According to the dictionary, a zero-sum game is a mathematical representation in economic theory of a situation that involves two sides, where the result is an advantage for one side and an equivalent loss for the other. In other words, one person’s gain necessitates another person’s loss, with the result that the net improvement in the game's benefit is zero.
Often we tend to look at comparison this way also. If one person succeeds, it robs us of the opportunity to succeed. We begin to view people as competition rather than friends, or as obstacles in our pursuit of our own gain.
Comparison keeps our eyes downcast and self-focused as we ruminate on the numerous ways we are not or do not have enough. It doesn’t leave any room for others.
I want to be candid in my writing, but fear often whispers in my ear. No one will love you if they see how you really think. If people see your weaknesses they won’t trust you anymore. You’re too flawed, others are already doing more than you ever could, and your contributions don’t matter.
Maybe you’ve felt this way before. Maybe you are ashamed to invite friends over because your house isn’t exactly aesthetic or clean. Maybe you feel discouraged by how picturesque others’ lives appear on social media when your life feels like a dumpster fire right now. Maybe you work so hard at your craft and can feel resentment creeping in because a friend is doing so much better than you are and the results feel disproportionate. Maybe you feel too fat. Too skinny. Too loud. Too quiet. Too poor. Too unskilled. Maybe you feel like a fraud or an imposter because you see what other people are capable of and your efforts don’t seem to measure up to that level.
You are not alone in your struggle with comparison. Comparison is inherent to the human experience, even if only a fleeting thought. Add to that the power of social media: Social media makes comparison too easy as we now can compare our lives to millions of other people!
Comparison distorts the truth so that we start to believe that we are the only ones missing out, we are the only ones who struggle with discontentment, a messy house, and finding motivation to go to the gym. Our culture has a very narrow definition of what success and a worthwhile life look like, and it can be so easy to slip into comparison and realize that we don’t measure up.
So how can we ditch comparison and our zero-sum game theories in exchange for contentment and non-zero-sum games?
#1. Celebrate the wins of others
A non-zero-sum game means that it isn’t all or nothing. Two people can win. There doesn’t have to be a winner and a loser. A non-zero-sum game in modern English would be defined as a win-win situation.
Whenever you choose to celebrate the wins of others, you are creating a win-win situation. By cheering your friends on instead of viewing them as competition, you will deepen your friendship, encourage them, and avoid the trap of comparison! Cheer others on. Loudly. Remember - another person’s win is not your loss. It is an opportunity to rejoice with another, to spur them on to greater things, and to remind them that their efforts matter.
#2. Replace lies with truth
Comparison distorts the truth and feeds you a lie. Whenever you are tempted to compare your life with that of another, remind yourself of the truth.
“They are so much better than me.” → “They are doing a great job!”
“If _______ wins, that means that I lose.” → “We can both win here!”
“Their life is so perfect and mine is so not.” → “Social media does not tell the whole story. I will touch base with my friend to find out how they’re really doing.”
Remember, everyone struggles with comparison, including the person you are comparing yourself too. Try encouraging others instead of condemning yourself. When you focus your energies on blessing others instead of comparing yourself to them, you will reap untold joy!
Here is a verse that I cling to when comparison gets loud: “But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus—the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God.”
My goal is not to look good in the eyes of others. My goal is not to subscribe to the world’s version of success. My goal is not to be better than anyone else.
My goal is to be faithful to the One who sent me, and to do the things He has called me to do. My goal is to love God and others well, period.
#3. GRATITUDE!
Gratitude is the antidote to comparison. Comparison tells us that we don’t have enough, that we aren’t enough, and that we will never measure up. Gratitude serves as a reminder of all the good that already exists in our lives.
If you’re like me, having visual reminders is so helpful. Keep an ongoing list in a notebook or on a scrap of paper at your kitchen table of all the things you are grateful for. When you feel comparison sneaking in, write down things you are grateful for. It can be simple things, like sunlight streaming through the window, or a bigger thing, like a loving family. Gratitude helps recenter you and reminds you of the things that you truly value. Life is good, we just have to be alert to notice all the good bits.
A few weeks ago, I challenged our youth kids to write out 100 things they are grateful for, that God has blessed them with. I also participated in this simple exercise, and in doing so, I realized that God has given me so many good things that I don’t usually pause to notice.
Be intentional about thankfulness because it is the antidote to comparison!
#4. You can’t do this alone!
Cultivate companionship rather than comparison. As I mentioned earlier, everyone struggles with comparison. Be honest with a trusted individual about your struggles. Pray for one another. Remind each other of the truth when you are feeling low.
Some days will be easier than others. On the hard days, it is so helpful to have someone who will stand by you and fight against the lies that comparison yells at you. My dear sisters have listened to me many times as I cry out my frustration and struggle with comparison. I struggle with comparison just as much as anyone, and I’m writing this article for myself, too. It’s time to ditch comparison in exchange for gratitude and cheering one another on as companions instead of competition.
Above all, Christ. There is no comparison when it comes to your relationship with God. God loves you as if you were the only person in the whole world, and nothing will ever change that. Your worth and value are not determined by the things you’ve done, by what you are capable of, or even how you feel about things. Your worth and value are already set by the Creator of the universe who loves you like crazy!
What have you found helpful in your own struggle against the lies of comparison?
